Down on the Farm
by ShenLong1
Summary: The pilots have been working non stop for weeks. The Scientists decide to take pity on them and send them on a vacation - to a farm.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own the G boys I just borrow them from time to time and return them a whole lot happier. :) Written for pleasure not profit.

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: Fluff, sap, lemon, lime, language, humor

Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4x3, ?x5, ? x Bull, Milking Machine x?

Author: ShenLong

Archive: gundam-wing-diaries.

Authors Notes: This little piece of insanity was inspired by Ryouga. It started out while at lunch one day, sharing fic ideas and discussing the pilots in general. A wayward chicken was spotted running outside the restaurant which led to all sorts of comments being tossed around the table. Once all the banter was done with we were left with the idea for this fic.

"Down on the Farm"

April. 2003 ShenLong

Part 1

The five weary pilots trudged in single file through the forest, Quatre was at the head of the little procession followed closely by Trowa then Wufei. Duo was next and Heero brought up the rear. Heero didn't mind though as he had the best view in the house... in his opinion anyway. Duo's ass swayed enticingly ahead of him whilst that braided length brushed back and forth over his thighs. Yep definitely the best view in the house.

The track finally came to an end and the pilots scanned the darkened area around them for any signs of the enemy. They weren't expecting any but it always paid to be careful. None were seen so they began their walk once more towards the large dark shape of the house. Quatre opened the door and the weary five tramped inside. Quatre tried to flick on the light switch but was stopped by Heero.

"No lights. Not until we know for certain that we are safe here."

"Geeze, Heero. Lighten up a little will ya? It's a safe house for crying out loud!" Duo whined. He was tired; hell they were all tired! They had been on mission after mission without a break for the past three months and the pilots were beginning to feel the strain.

"The mad five wouldn't have given us the coordinates if they thought we were in any immediate danger, Heero," sighed Quatre.

"Hn. I'll set a temporary security warning system up anyway. In the morning we can set up whatever equipment is necessary."

"You can do whatever ya want, Hee-chan. I'm hitting the sack," Duo responded as he swayed lightly on his feet. "Which way to the beds, Q-man?"

"Up the stairs, Duo, take any room you like," replied Quatre.

"Thanks man." Duo shouldered his bag and set off through the gloom towards the stairs. "I'll leave the door open for you, Heero," he mumbled.

Wufei followed Duo. "I shall also retire. Good evening."

"Night, Wufei." Quatre turned to his silent lover and tugged his hand. "C'mon, Trowa, I think we should get some sleep as well; if Heero is that desperate he can rig up his little toys without us."

"..."

Trowa followed Quatre up the stairs and into one of the many rooms. Heero finished rigging up his little security devices before shouldering his own pack and going in search of his long haired lover.

--

Morning broke tentatively across the sky, bathing the slumbering earth with her warm glow and coaxing nature to life. Inside the large house the five exhausted pilots slept on.

"Cock a doodle do!" The large brown rooster fluffed his feathers importantly and greeted the morning rays.

"Cock a doodle doooooo!"

"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Duo from underneath a pile of blankets.

"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"

"Aggghhhhh!" Duo pulled the pillow over his head.

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

_Bang_

Squarkkkkk... Thud

"Better?"

"Hai. Thanks, Hee-chan."

--

Two hours later, the five sleepy pilots met in the kitchen for breakfast.

"What the hell was that screeching noise this morning?" asked Duo as he shuffled over to the coffee machine and poured himself a cup. "Don't tell me Relena has found us already."

"I think it is normally called a rooster," replied Wufei.

"A what?"

"A rooster."

"Well it's a dead duck now thanks to Heero."

"Does that mean we're having chicken for tea then?" Quatre asked in all innocence.

"Yanno, that reminds me of a joke." Duo continued on, ignoring Quatre. "What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?"

Heero groaned.

"The rooster says Cock a doodle do and the prostitute says any cock will..."

"MAXWELL!!"

"Sorry, Wuffie." Duo snickered. "So, this vacation... Just where the hell are we and what are we supposed to do?"

"It's a farm from what I can tell," Heero responded.

"No shit Sherlock."

"The mad five thought it would be good for us to have a vacation on the farm." Quatre beamed. "I think it could be fun."

Duo sighed.

"So where are all the farm workers then?" Wufei asked.

"Oh them. Errr... they are on a vacation in the city. It's up to us to take care of the farm while they're gone."

"Q-man, have you any idea what is involved in running a farm?" Duo shook his head.

"Well... not exactly, but surely it can't be that hard. I mean, it's just a case of taking care of the livestock and Trowa is really good with animals, aren't you, Trowa?"

"..."

"I hope you know what you're getting into here, Quatre," Duo moaned. "I mean, a farm? I thought this was supposed to be a vacation, you know... rest, relax, soak up the sun. Not run around after a bunch of animals."

"It couldn't be any worse than running around after you." Wufei couldn't help the jibe.

Duo folded his arms across his chest and glared. "To quote the old classic, Wufei... I am not an animal... I am a man!" (1)

"Now that is a very debatable point, I thought you were a boy, a child even. God knows you act it often enough."

"I resent that, Wuffy. I may only be fifteen years in age but the rest of me is well advanced. Just ask Heero." Duo winked.

"Hn. No complaints here."

Quatre thought it best to intervene now. "So, guys, are we up to it or not?"

"I, for one, am not about to turn down a challenge, Maxwell." Wufei stood and placed his cup in the sink.

"Mission accepted," replied Heero.

"..."

All eyes turned to Duo. "Okay, Okay, I give up... I'm in."

--

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Duo said as the five pilots met out in the farm yard dressed in an assorted range of apparel.

"Let's see." Quatre held up a note book. "I got a message last night from the Doc's saying there was a book left for us with all the basic things we need to do written inside."

The four pilots all crowded around Quatre and peered over his shoulder.

"Milking the cows... Now there's a job we can do ne, Heero?" Duo grinned. "I've always wanted to milk a cow."

"Moving the sheep from the upper pasture to the lower one. I can do that," Wufei spoke.

"..."

"I think the chickens would be happy if you looked after them, Trowa," Quatre responded to the quiet teen.

Duo rolled his eyes. "What else is on there?" He grabbed the book from Quatre's grasp. "Let's see... Hmmmm. Carting the hay, tending the vegetable patch, feeding the pigs..."

"No thanks."

"Huh?" Duo looked up at Quatre.

"I refuse to look after pigs."

"Oh... Why?" Duo's curiosity was getting the better of him.

"It's against my religion."

Duo scratched his head. "Whadd'ya mean against your religion? That's a lame excuse if I ever heard one. Be honest, Q, you just don't fancy the idea of pigs and the mess they can make."

"We have been sharing with you, Maxwell so I think that a few pigs is a piece of cake in comparison." Wufei looked smug.

Duo whirled around, his braid whipping against Trowa as he did so and causing the tall teen to yelp. "Oops, sorry, Tro," then focusing his attention back to the Chinese teen he put his hands on his hips and glared. "Are you saying I'm a pig, Wuffles?"

"If the cap fits, Maxwell."

"Quatre is a Muslim. It is against his religion to associate with pork."

Four sets of eyes swiveled and stared at Trowa who promptly disappeared behind his bang.

"You spoke. You actually formed words and made a sentence." Duo made to swoon.

"Hn. Baka!" Heero stated as he caught the falling pilot.

Duo grinned.

"Look guys, the day is getting on, I suggest we get started on these chores or else we will be here for ages," said Quatre as he tried diplomatically to steer the attention away from Trowa.

"Yeah, I guess we should."

A loud moo from the paddock gate agreed with them.

"Okay then, let's get this show on the road," Duo chirped. "Coming, Hee-chan?"

The five pilots moved off to start their various selected jobs.

--

Trowa and Quatre headed across the yard to the large barn where a section in the corner of the barn was stocked with the various feed stuffs for the livestock.

Quatre picked up a bucket while Trowa rifled through the sacks until he found the one with the pellets for the chickens. They filled the bucket half full and grabbing a small basket from an overhanging peg, left for the chicken house.

Crossing the yard, Quatre noticed a small bundle of feathers; he immediately side tracked to investigate. Trowa followed.

Quatre bent and picked up the bundle and looked at it. "Wow! Heero certainly is a good marksman," he said quietly as he stared at the neat hole that appeared between the rooster's eyes. "Shame to waste it though."

Trowa began to back away.

"Trowa... What do you think about a nice roast chicken dinner tonight?"

"You want it, then you clean it," Trowa replied.

Quatre looked at the rooster dangling in his hand. "It can't be that hard to do."

"Have fun with your plucking and drawing, I'm going to collect the eggs." Trowa turned and walked away with a purpose.

Quatre watched his retreat. "Oh well, let's get you ready for the table then," he said to the chook in his grasp and headed back towards the farmhouse.

The chickens were busy scratching and pecking around the yard of their coop completely oblivious to the fate of their fearless leader. Hearing the rattle of the bucket as it approached they ceased their hunt for food and ran to the wire of the coop. They looked up, and immediately fell silent.

The hens weren't too sure just what it was that was walking across the yard. Whether it was human or fowl. The long bang flopped over the face concealing one eye, kind of like a comb that had become too heavy to support its own weight.

The hens stared.

Trowa approached the coop and frowned. It was unusual for hens to be quiet. He looked at the group of feathered bodies lined up against the wire and reached for the door. He went in, making sure to latch the door firmly behind him.

The hens watched in lust.

Still frowning to himself he rattled the bucket and began to scatter the pellets around. "Here you go girls," he said quietly. "If you're hungry come and get it."

One of the hens fainted.

Trowa's one visible eye widened. He hadn't heard of a chicken fainting before. Concerned, he bent down by the prone bundle and ran a hand lightly over the feathers.

The hen shivered.

The rest of the chickens crowded around, checking out the new comer, all thoughts of their fearless leader gone from their tiny chicken brains as they drooled over the new 'rooster'.

Feeling a heartbeat and seeing the steady rise and fall of feathers, Trowa knew the hen was okay. He stood and picked up the basket; he was puzzled at the hens behavior though. Chickens were usually noisy creatures and not prone to passing out. With a shrug of his shoulders he went over to the small hen house to collect the eggs.

The chickens clucked quietly amongst themselves as they watched the tall teen disappear inside their house. The unconscious chook slowly started to come around.

Trowa made his way along the row of nesting boxes and picked up the eggs he found there. Placing them in the basket he was a little disappointed at the number of eggs he'd collected. He went back outside to where the hens were still silently assembled. He noticed them staring in his direction and the bundle of feathers that was beginning to stir. He looked at the basket and back to the chickens.

"Considering the number of hens we have here the egg production is slightly lacking," he said quietly as he glanced around the group.

The hens hung their heads sheepishly.

"Let's see if you can improve on that, shall we?"

The hens clucked in agreement.

"Good." Trowa moved over to where the hen that had fainted was beginning to stand up and shake its head groggily. The chicken looked up at Trowa. Trowa reached out and ran his hand over the soft feathers again.

The chicken promptly fainted once more.

Trowa shrugged his shoulders and stood. He turned and exited the chicken coop, shutting the door firmly. The chickens had all followed him, adoration showing in their little faces.

"I'll be back later to check on the egg situation," he said softly and then went back to the farmhouse.

The chickens began to cackle excitedly amongst themselves as they raced for the nesting boxes, the sudden urge to pass eggs overwhelming them.

--

Quatre stepped inside the kitchen. "Just how hard can it be to pluck and draw a chicken?" he said to himself. He dropped the rooster on the table and went through to the small scullery adjoining the kitchen. Inside there was a machine that looked something like a steamer. Quatre vaguely remembered something about steam loosening feathers and making them easier to remove. He washed his hands and fetched the corpse. Lifting the lid on the machine he filled the base pan with water and replaced it. He dropped the rack over the top and placed the chicken on the rack. Popping the lid on top he flicked the switch and left the steamer to do its work.

Returning to the kitchen he could see Trowa in the hen coop and smiled. Trowa really had a way with animals he noted, as he observed the chickens following his lanky lover around the pen. Quatre decided to go back and give him a hand.

He stepped outside again and slipped the oversized wellington boots on and began to casually stroll across the yard. He didn't see the goose hovering by the duck pond.

The goose was a friendly creature as a rule but had a greedy stomach. Every time it saw a human the word food sprang into its head, and so once it saw Quatre he naturally assumed this human would have food. The goose fluffed its feathers and honked...

Loudly.

Quatre jumped a mile and spun around. A blur of feathers, beak and noise came bolting at him.

Quatre did the only thing he could do.

He ran like shit towards Trowa.

Trowa looked up as he heard the noise, just in time to see his petite lover succumb to the goose. A flurry of arms, legs, wings and feathers indicated Quatre's demise and Trowa had to hold the chuckle.

The goose honked and hissed as it pecked around Quatre's form looking for food.

"Ack, shoo, go away leave me alone!" Quatre yelled as he tried to get the goose away from him. "Ow! get off, go away, shit!" Quatre's arms were trying to shield himself from the assault. "Trowa! Help me..."

Trowa sauntered across and threw a handful of pellets from the bottom of the bucket onto the ground away from Quatre. The goose immediately stopped its attack and waddled over to the pellets, pecking at them greedily. Trowa bent and hauled Quatre to his feet.

"Thanks," Quatre said as he dusted himself off. "For a moment there I thought I was a goner."

Trowa laughed. "I can't see how a tough, fearless Gundam pilot could be beaten by a goose."

"Better hope then that OZ doesn't find out about the predatory qualities of the goose or else ours is cooked," retorted Quatre.

"It's a well known fact that geese are better than watch dogs."

"Really? Well I for one can stand testimony to that fact," Quatre huffed.

"All it wanted was some food, Quatre."

"That might well be, but I'm not on the menu."

Trowa leaned forwards and brushed a smudge of dirt from the tip of Quatre's nose. "Oh? I was hoping to snack on you later."

Quatre melted. "Well, maybe I could make an allowance just for you."

"Mmmm..." Trowa nuzzled Quatre's neck before ghosting his lips across the sweet ones offered to him. "I think I would like rack of Quatre... Raw."

Quatre shivered and then cried out. Whirling around he saw the reason for his sudden pain. At first he thought Trowa had pinched his rear but his eyes told him otherwise... The goose was back. "Shit! Gotta go, Trowa." Quatre took off at a run back to the farmhouse.

Trowa and the goose watched him go. Trowa turned to the goose who looked back hopeful. "I guess he prefers me touching his rear to you."

The goose just honked.

"Okay, I have more food for you." Trowa tossed some more pellets around before taking the bucket back to the barn.

--

Wufei wandered off in the direction of the kennels. If he was to check the sheep and move them to another paddock he would need the assistance of one of the sheep dogs. The range of mutts on display did nothing to boost his confidence.

He cast his eye warily over the offered canines. They were a mixed bunch. He finally settled on the black and white, long haired border collie. The fact that it was the only dog that didn't cringe or run away when he approached had nothing to do with his decision. He reached down and ruffled the dog's ears. He felt for the collar and looked at the name tag. "Humpty," he said out loud.

The dog looked at him with big puppy eyes.

"I wonder why they gave you that name?" Wufei motioned for the dog to follow him.

The walk through the paddocks was calming, the light breeze blew Wufei's hair about his face, the strands having escaped his customary pony tail. The dog trotted silently at his heels, nose almost touching Wufei's leg. Wufei found it a little unnerving.

He paused at the top of the hill and let his eyes wander over the paddock below. The tiny white forms dotted the landscape, an air of peace abounded... only to be broken by Wufei's sudden yelp of surprise.

Wufei looked down as he felt something grab his leg; immediately his body was on alert, ready to run or fight.

The dog watched Wufei intently and seeing his moment... sprang into action.

Wufei looked down at the dog that was now firmly attached to his right leg and humping it furiously. "Kisama!!" he yelled and shook his leg trying to dislodge the furry beast, but the dog would not let go.

Wufei reached down and grabbed the animal by the scruff of the neck and tried to pull it off his leg, but it was as if the animal was super glued. It simply would not be removed.

The dog's forepaws wrapped tightly around the limb and Humpty hung on for dear life, his hind end thrusting repeatedly into the warm softness of Wufei's pants. He felt the human try to dislodge him and gripped even tighter. Humpty had no idea why he had such a fetish for the human leg; all he knew was that he had to ravish one whenever he saw it. But not just any leg.

No.

It had to be special. Muscular, warm, and with a scent to it that drove Humpty's hormones wild. Exactly like the leg he was busy paying his affections to right now. Humpty's eyes began to glaze over as his pelvis strained for the last time. With a contented 'wuff', he added to the whiteness of Wufei's trouser leg before toppling over and lying prone in the grass.

Wufei looked down and shook his leg. "Ohh Yuk!"

--

Duo looked at the cows milling around the paddock gate waiting to be milked. "I always wanted to live on a farm, Hee-chan."

"Hn. Can't think why," came the stilted reply.

"Huh?" Duo turned his violet gaze to his lover.

"I don't mind the animals..."

Duo tried desperately to hold his laughter as Heero gingerly stepped around a cow pat. "Awww c'mon, Heero, you got your boots on, a little cow shit ain't gonna kill you."

Heero wrinkled up his nose. "Let's get the beasts into the milking shed."

"Okay, Hee-chan." Duo went to open the gate.

The cows filed methodically through and headed for the milking shed, Heero and Duo bringing up the rear. "Easy ain't it?" Duo professed.

"Hn."

"Hey, Heero, why don't you get started and I'll let Q-man know, 'cause he mentioned he was interested in learning how to milk."

"Okay." Heero followed the cows into the shed while Duo took off across the farmyard to get Quatre.

--

Quatre, having recovered from his attack by mother goose, was back in the kitchen wrestling with the rooster. The steamer had worked... too well, so Quatre discovered. Not only were the feathers ready to drop out but the flesh was starting to cook as well. Quatre scratched his head. "Maybe I should have just plunged it into boiling water," he said to the dripping mess. "Oh well, better get on with it."

Quatre lay the chook on the table and began to pull the feathers from the skin. Most came out easily and it wasn't long before the chicken was nearly bald. Picking out the last few stubborn feathers Quatre looked up to see Trowa standing in the doorway.

"I'm going to feed the pigs and then see what's in the vegetable patch."

"Okay. Errr... Trowa?"

"Yes?"

"What else was it I had to do to this chicken besides pluck it?"

"You have to draw it."

"Huh? How can drawing a picture of it aid the final result? Besides, I don't think I have a pencil." Quatre looked rather puzzled.

"Not draw as in a picture... Draw as in remove the insides."

"Oh. How do I do that?" Quatre's face began to screw up a little at that thought.

"Well you... Ummm... You put your hand up its... errr... Stick your hand inside and pull the stuff out."

"Where do I stick my hand?"

"Ummmm..." Trowa blushed a little. "You stick your hand up its rear end and remove everything that way." Trowa abruptly left leaving a wide eyed and open mouthed Quatre staring after him.

"I stick my hand up its rear? Eww, that's just gross," Quatre thought.

_"But you put your fingers up Trowa's rear,"_ his subconscious reminded him.

"Yeah well that's different," he argued back.

_"Is it?"_

"It's just my fingers and I don't pull his insides out when I do it," returned Quatre smugly as he slowly began to insert his hand up the chicken's rear. "You know, this gives a whole new meaning to the word fisting," he mused.

Duo chose that moment to walk in. "What gives a whole new meaning to the word fisting, Quatre?" Duo's eyes went wide and his face turned green as he took in the sight of Quatre sitting at the table surrounded by feathers with his... was that his hand... up a chicken's ass?

His hand flew to his mouth. "Oh my god, Quatre, I knew you had a kinky streak in you, but don't you think that necrophilia is taking it a bit far?"

"It's not what you think Duo..." spluttered Quatre.

"Sure, sure, buddy..." Duo felt his breakfast beginning to make a return journey.

"Really... it isn't. I was just getting the chicken ready for tea, that's all." Quatre's face was turning a lovely shade of red as his hands emphasized his point... only problem was the chicken was still attached to one of those hands.

"Errr... whatever you say, Q-man. I came to tell you that Heero and I have got the cows into the barn if you wanted to come and try milking, but I guess you're occupied with more pleasurable things," Duo snickered as he began his retreat before his stomach could insist on expelling its contents.

"Yeah, sure. I'll wander over in a minute... once I get this chook done." Quatre took a firm hold of the carcass and pulled hard to extradite his hand from within. His hand slipped out, along with most of the chicken's entrails.

Duo's eyes went wide and he spun around, knocking over the chair in his haste to leave. "I did not need to see that!" he muttered under his breath as he scrambled through the door and back across the yard in the direction of the cow shed and safety.

Quatre looked at the slippery mess in his hand. One word sprang to mind.

Actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

tbc...

(1) This is a line taken from the movie The Elephant Man


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to those who are reading. To the people that left a review, your feedback is very much appreciated. I hope you all continue to enjoy this next chapter. Now, on with the insanity...**

"Down on the Farm"

April. 2003 ShenLong

Part 2

Wufei surveyed the prone body of his companion and nudged the dog's form with his foot. "Get up you lazy animal. We have sheep to move."

Humpty cracked open an eye and stared at the teen. Feeling a little of his energy returning he rolled over and gave a big panting smile.

"Oh no you don't." Wufei backed up a little. "Sheep... move... now," he said, and quickly turned to move down the hill towards the fluffy white dots.

Humpty stretched and yawned before getting up and trotting off after that wonderful leg; his doggy brain working overtime, along with his libido.

Wufei managed to reach the bottom of the hill without mishap and waved to the dog, indicating he wanted the sheep rounded up.

The dog sat and stared at him. He knew what the boy wanted, and he would round up the sheep.

At a price.

Wufei didn't like the predatory gleam that appeared in Humpty's eyes.

Humpty stood and with a last, longing look at that gorgeous leg he trotted off towards the sheep and began to round them up.

Wufei sighed as he watched the dog work. With the sheep now in a flock together he began to walk in the direction of the gate, hoping Humpty would have intelligence enough to know where it was that Wufei wanted the sheep herding.

Keeping one eye on the sheep and one eye on the leg, Humpty herded the sheep after Wufei.

Opening the gate, Wufei moved back out of the away a bit so as not to scare the sheep and put them off going through the gate and into the next paddock.

Humpty brought the woolly beasts up the hill and to the gate where they hesitated for a moment. The lead ewe paused and went to dart to the side but Humpty had anticipated this and was there in a flash. The leer in the dog's eyes was enough to convince the ewe that it didn't want to break away, and with a baaa of disgust she shot through the opening, the rest following suit.

As the last of the sheep passed through the gateway, Wufei walked up and closed the gate. Humpty sat by the fence staring at him. Wufei watched the sheep as they spread out and began to graze once again. The sun was warm on his back and a sense of peace stole over him. He closed his eyes for a moment, soaking up the tranquility and forgot about the dog.

Humpty saw his chance.

--

Quatre hummed as he finished cleaning up the last few stray feathers and placed them in the rubbish bin. The bald, fisted chook lay on a baking tray awaiting cremation. Washing his hands, Quatre then dried them off and placed the carcass in the oven. Feeling quite pleased with himself, he thought he would leave Trowa a note asking him to fetch some vegetables from the patch to accompany their dinner; then slipping on his boots he stuck his head outside to see if the coast was clear.

No sign of the goose.

With a sigh Quatre exited and made his way over to the barn to retrieve a bucket and stool and go milk a cow. Bucket swinging in his hand he trotted off towards the cow paddock. Spying a large shaggy black and white beast on the other side of the railings he climbed through and made his way over to it.

While walking he tried to remember what Trowa had said once before about milking a cow. That's right, he said you took the teat firmly in your hand and pull, squeeze to get the milk to come forth. Similar to jerking off as Duo so eloquently put it. Quatre blushed at that thought.

He approached the beast in front of him and patted the shaggy flank.

The beast raised its head and stared at him, jaw working methodically as it chewed its cud.

"Wow, nice horns," Quatre said as he took note of the impressive set on the animal's head.

The beast blinked.

Quatre stroked the hairy flank and moved along. He dropped the stool he had brought to the ground and sat on it, placing the bucket underneath the belly. Burying his head in the animal's side as he had seen done in the movies, he reached underneath to locate the udder.

His brow crinkled a little as he fished under the belly searching for the teats. His hands finally located what he was looking for and he began to gently pull and squeeze as Trowa had mentioned before. The fact that his hands were a little wider apart than they should be didn't register.

The animal's eyes went wide and its jaw stopped moving as it felt the tiny hands groping away underneath. It suddenly shivered as those hands found what they were searching for and began a gentle massage.

The beast's eyes glazed over as the movement continued.

--

Duo returned to the cow shed, still a little green around the gills. Heero looked up from where he was placing the last set of automatic milkers on a cow.

"Stay clear of the kitchen Heero," Duo said with a shudder.

"Nani?"

"Trust me... you don't want to know."

Heero turned back to the row of shaggy backsides and began to walk down the line. The cows were all standing quietly, pulling at the strands of hay in the racks before them.

"Hey, Heero?"

"Hai?"

"I thought you used a bucket and hand to milk cows."

"Not any more, Duo. This is the technological age... remember?"

"So what happens then?" Duo waved his hand at the cows. "I mean, if you ain't jerking them off to get the milk, how do you do it?"

Heero rolled his eyes. "Duo! Do you have to be so..."

"Vulgar?" supplied Duo with a smirk.

"I was going to say coarse, but vulgar will do," Heero sighed. "Come over here and I'll show you what happens."

Duo bounced along behind his koi as Heero led him to the end of the milking shed. Reaching upwards Heero pulled down a small contraption. Duo gazed at it with a puzzled look. It reminded him of an octopus... minus some tentacles.

"This is called an automatic milker. See these tubes..." Heero grasped one of the stainless steel tubes that dangled from the main hose and waved it in front of Duo's face. "...You slide them over the cow's teats and they do the milking for you."

Duo's face went blank. "Huh?"

Heero sighed again. "You shove the tube over the cow's teat and it sucks the milk out."

"Oh." An evil grin lit up Duo's face. "How does it do that?" he asked in all innocence.

"Look." Heero stuck the tube in Duo's face. "It's rubber coated inside. See?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"The rubber mimics the movement of the hand and with the combined light suction it draws the milk from the udder and into the tube then along to the holding tank over there."

Duo followed Heero's gaze as the large storage tank was pointed out to him. "But how, Heero?"

Heero growled. "Here." Heero grabbed Duo's hand and shoved one of his fingers into the cylinder. "Feel."

Duo's eyes went wide as he felt the gentle pulling and rippling motion of the soft rubber against his finger. "Ahhhhh..."

"See?"

"Uh, yeah. I get it now."

Heero shook his head. "I'm going back to check on the cows. They should be just about finished by now.

"Ok, Hee-chan. I'll be there in a minute," Duo replied absently. He had removed his finger and was staring intently into the depths of the small tube, calculating width and depth.

"Okay." Heero turned and went back to the cows, totally missing the grin that lit up Duo's face.

Duo watched as Heero went back to his tending of the bovines. Once he was sure his koi was out of sight he quickly unzipped his jeans and pulled his half hard cock out from within his boxers. The sensations of the small tube against his finger had begun to turn him on. Not one to pass up an opportunity, he wanted to experience first hand how it felt to be milked.

Giving his rapidly swelling flesh a few pumps for good measure, he quickly slipped the tube over his cock and had to bite his lip to stop the loud moan that threatened to escape. The cylinder gripped his shaft and closed around it. A light suction began to draw against the head as the sides of the rubber pulsed and rippled against his length. "Oh fuck!" he whispered. "I gotta get me one of these."

Duo's eyes slid shut in pleasure as he experienced the feeling of being sucked and jerked off at the same time. His hips began to thrust in lazy circles as the machine worked at his length. The speed couldn't be adjusted so Duo had to endure the long slow approach...

It was fucking amazing!

The moans and whimpers began to build in volume as Duo surrendered his body to the sensations he was receiving. Idly he wondered if the cows ever got off on this.

--

Trowa had returned to the kitchen after replacing the pig bucket in the grain store. He placed the basket of eggs from earlier by the sink and saw Quatre's note on the table. Vegetables? Sure he could handle that. He left the kitchen again and headed across the yard in the direction of the vegetable patch.

He dug his hands into his pockets as he wandered past the cow shed and stopped. What was that noise he heard? Trowa cocked his head and listened again. It sounded like someone moaning.

Curiosity piqued, Trowa slipped towards the cow shed. He sidled up along the wall and to the end. The moaning got a little louder, there was also a whimpering in there. Trowa frowned a little and slunk around the end of the shed. The door stood slightly ajar and he peeked through his bangs at what was going on within; and froze.

What the? He blinked and blinked again, shaking his head. One hand came out of his pocket and lifted the bang from his face. Maybe the hair was distorting his vision. He looked again and promptly dropped the fistful of hair. Nope, he had seen clearly.

Duo was standing there with his fly undone and something attached to his cock, his face twisted in pleasure. Trowa scratched his head and stole another glance. Mind made up he entered the building. Whatever it was Duo was doing it looked pretty good and Trowa wasn't about to pass up on finding out just what that was.

Duo cracked open an eye as he felt Trowa's presence.

"Duo?"

"Ohh yeah... What Tro?"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting a blow job from this machine."

"..."

Duo moaned again. "Ohh yeah baby... suck it good."

"..."

"You wanna try it, Tro? It's really good, so slow and smooth... Ohh fuck!"

Trowa wasn't sure, but it looked like Duo was enjoying it. "Okay."

"Mmmmm... Wonderful." Duo thrust his hips again. "Come over here then." Duo reached for another of the tubes. "Slap this over your cock man and be prepared for the suck of your life." Duo's eyes slid shut again as he offered the tube to Trowa.

Trowa took the tube and looked inside. It seemed harmless enough. He slid his finger into the depths and immediately felt his groin swell as the insides began to suck and massage his finger. In record time he'd yanked his finger out, unzipped his jeans and pulled his hardened cock from within. He couldn't wait to get that feeling over his shaft. The cylinder slid over his weeping head and swallowed his length.

"Oh shit!"

"Oh fuck!" replied Duo.

"This is great."

"Agnnn... I know man, I know. Damn! Heero can give good head, but this... Ohhh..." Duo's hips were moving faster but the machine refused to increase its speed.

Trowa's eyes slid shut as his own cock was massaged, stroked and sucked rhythmically. It felt so good. Soon his moans were joining those of Duo's; only louder.

Heero pulled the cylinders from the cow's teats. "There you go girl," he said as he scratched the rump of the black and white beast. He hung the hose with it's tubes over the railing. "That's the last one," he said to himself. "Better shut down the machine." Heero began to walk back down the concrete walkway when he distinctly heard moaning.

He paused for a moment and cocked his head. Yep, definitely moaning, but it sounded like more than one person. Heero frowned and then continued on his way. Turning at the end of the shed he was stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes leaving his head for a moment as he took in the sight before him.

Duo... and was that Trowa?

"Aggggnnnnn..."

Yep it was Trowa all right. Heero would recognize that moan anywhere, lord knows he had heard it often enough coming from Trowa's and the blonde's bedroom, bathroom, kitchen, lounge, closet... hell anywhere the pair happened to be!

He stared again. The pair of them were both standing there, hips thrusting, but two sets of hands were clearly visible. Given the way they were standing they couldn't be fucking each other, so just what the hell was going on? Heero wasn't too sure he wanted to know the answer to that but he moved forwards anyway.

His jaw hit the floor.

The pair of them were reaching their climaxes; he could tell that much from the rapid increase in the panting, but it was the glint of the stainless steel that caught his eye. "Oh shit!" he whispered as his brain registered that the pair of them were getting it off with one of the automatic milkers.

His eyes traveled from the pair in front, along the tube to the holding tank.

The tank that had just been filled with the fresh milk from the cows.

"K'so!" he shouted but it was too late.

Duo's eyes squeezed shut as he felt the small tube ripple around him and suck, drawing him finally over the edge. "Oh fuck!... Oh yes!... Oh shit!" he screamed as he found his completion.

Trowa followed moments after. "Nnnnnnnn... ohhhhhhh..."

The two boys collapsed against each other, trembling as their seed was sucked from them to pass down the tube and into the hose. The cylinders continued to massage and suck, sending shivers through sated forms as oversensitive flesh was repeatedly coaxed to give up more of its fluid.

Suddenly the tubes were removed and Duo found himself staring into Heero's annoyed blue eyes.

"Hey, Hee-chan. Wow you were right, these automatic milkers are great," he panted. "Not that I don't appreciate your mouth baby, but shit..."

"Duo?"

"You really should try it, Heero."

"Duo?"

"Talk about the suck of your life..."

"DUO!"

"What, Heero?" Duo was still lost in his post orgasmic high and didn't want to come back to earth just yet. He was hanging on to Trowa who returned the gesture, effectively propping each other up. Trowa was unable to answer, speech completely deserting him as his body re routed all senses to focus only on his sensitive groin.

"You realize what you have just done?"

"Ummm... had the best blow job of my life?"

"Baka!" Heero thwapped him upside of the head. "Where do you think your semen just went?"

The smack to his head triggered some brain cells to start functioning and Duo looked at the set of cylinders in Heero's hand and then to the connecting tube. His vision wandered along the hose to the large vat and his eyes opened wide. Just like Quatre earlier, one word came to mind...

Actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

--

"Aggggghhhhhhhh!! Get off me you rabid animal!" Wufei screamed as Humpty once more took possession of his leg.

Humpty ignored the screaming but enjoyed the thrusts of the leg against his groin. He whined happily as his forepaws locked again and his little pelvis began its frantic thrusting.

Wufei tried to move, dragging his weighted leg along. He tried to pry the shaggy animal from his person but the dog was stuck firm reminding him of that annoying bit of bubble gum that somehow manages to find its way onto the bottom of your shoe.

"Kisama, dog! I warn you, this is an injustice and I fully intend to get you neutered the moment we get back to the farm yard; even if I have to do it myself!!" Wufei screamed, cursing the fact that he hadn't got his katana with him right now.

It all fell on deaf ears however as Humpty continued to do what he did best... hump that wonderful leg.

Wufei tried again to remove the parasite, but it was all in vain. The dog was determined to stay until he achieved his goal.

With a couple more thrusts Humpty's tail began to twitch and his back ripple as his eyes glazed over.

Wufei's pants suddenly felt wet... very wet. He looked down as the dog released him and toppled over, panting heavily. "I promise you a slow castration... without anesthetic." Wufei shook his leg and with a grunt of disgust began to walk back towards the farm house.

Humpty watched for a moment and then dragged himself to his feet to trot after the object of his affection.

--

Quatre's wrists were aching. He had no idea that milking could be so strenuous... or take so long. He seemed to have been at it for hours and still the bucket was only half full. He lifted his head from the warm sweaty flank and gazed into the bucket. Milky liquid slapped against the side and Quatre looked at it a little puzzled. Somehow it seemed a bit thicker than he remembered milk being and not quite as white either. Come to think of it, this whole milking thing didn't seem all that right. He could have sworn Trowa had said that with each pull of the teat you would get a stream of the milk come forth into the bucket.

Maybe he wasn't doing it the proper way then because it seemed that it took several pulls before he got so much as a dribble and then after a short while it gushed for a few tugs and then went back to a trickle again. Quatre sighed. He really didn't want to admit defeat, but it looked like he was going to have to. He gave a few more quick tugs and jerks before removing his hands from underneath and straightening the kinks from his back.

He looked at the animal before him. The shaggy coat was matted with sweat, the strong odor of bovine filled the air. "Strange," he thought out aloud. "I didn't think cows sweated this much when they got milked." Dismissing the thought from his mind Quatre stood and retrieved his bucket and stool. He pushed his bangs away from his head and turned to go back to the farm yard.

The animal stood on shaky legs, its face slightly distorted and tongue lolling out as it watched the little human leave the paddock.

--

"You realize you have both just contaminated that entire vat of milk, don't you?" Heero glared at Trowa and Duo.

"Awww, lighten up a little, Hee-chan," Duo replied as he tucked his softened cock back into his jeans and zipped them up. "You're just jealous that you didn't get a go."

Trowa snickered.

"I suggest you put yours back in your pants too, Trowa," Heero snapped.

Trowa sheepishly obeyed.

"What's a little thickened cream amongst friends, Heero?" Duo sniggered.

"The milk truck will be calling to collect that milk and take it to the plant to be bottled for sale, Duo."

"So? Just think of the extra protein people will be getting on their Weeties."

Trowa started to giggle. Duo spun around and lifted the Heavyarms pilot's bang and stared in disbelief.

"Hey, Heero... raise the flags, Trowa's giggling."

Heero rolled his eyes. "Bakas! The pair of you. Just how are we supposed to explain about the extras in the milk?"

"Just tell them it's all natural," Duo quipped.

"Yeah, nothing artificial in there," snickered Trowa.

Heero threw his hands up in the air in disgust.

"No artificial flavorings or preservatives," sniggered Duo, "They should be paying us extra for the stuff." Duo winked at Trowa. "Hey maybe it will catch on and we can do this every day Tro."

"I'm game."

"Arrrggggg!" Heero screamed. "That's it! No way am I having cocoa tonight!"

Duo was leaning against Trowa for support as he dissolved into fits of laughter. He stopped a moment later as he saw Heero's head swivel around and he followed his lover's line of vision. "Hey, where's Q-man been? I thought he was coming to help with the milking?"

"So did I," Heero replied.

The three walked towards the open door and watched the blonde walking across the yard whistling to himself and swinging a bucket.

"Hey, Quatre. Where you been man? We've been waiting for you to come and help with the milking, but it's all done now so I guess you've missed out," Duo sang out.

Quatre looked up at the calling of his name and smiled, then frowned. "I have been milking."

"Huh?" Duo looked at Heero but Heero just shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't seen the blonde in the cow shed.

"Errr... Q? The cows were in here just a few minutes ago, they're all done."

Quatre stopped in front of the trio. "I went out to the paddock and did some milking. Here see." Quatre held the bucket out for them to inspect.

Three sets of eyes peered cautiously in the bucket at the cloudy fluid within. "Errr... Quatre, where did you go milking?" Duo asked hesitantly.

"Over there. It was harder than I thought though and it took quite a while, but I did managed to get the bucket nearly full," Quatre beamed.

Heero turned a nice shade of red, Duo tried hard not to choke and Trowa was trying desperately to hold his chuckles as the three looked where Quatre had pointed.

"What's so funny?" Quatre asked, a little confused.

"You really are a natural blonde aren't ya," Duo giggled. "Ohhh man..."

"What do you mean by that Duo?" Quatre was even more puzzled.

Trowa stepped forward and turned his lover to face the way he had come. He pointed to the beast standing at the paddock gate with its eyes glazed and crossed, legs wobbling, tongue hanging out and a sated happy look on its face.

"That, Quatre, is not a cow."

"Oh? Then what is it?"

"That, is a bull..."

"No wonder it took so long to fill the bucket then," Quatre mused in all innocence.

Duo lost it. His laughter tore from him to the point where he collapsed in Heero's arms. Heero was also having a hard time keeping his face straight and so buried it in Duo's soft hair and snickered away.

Trowa was rolling on the floor in hysterics.

"Kisama!!" The four pilots all spun around at the same time as Wufei streaked across the yard, hair unbound and flying out wildly behind him. A hairy black and white blur shot past next and the four watched as with a loud wail Wufei was attacked and knocked to the floor.

"Oh shit! Is Wufei okay?" Quatre asked no one in particular.

Duo began to giggle again. "I think Wu-man has soothed the savage beast."

The four continued to stare as Wufei tried to stand up and push the amorous dog from his leg; to no avail. His trouser legs were soaking, he had no idea that a canine had such a strong libido or quick recovery time. Unfortunately he was made aware of this fact by Humpty's continuous flirtations with his trouser legs. "Humpty! Stop it! Heel! Sit! Stay! GET OFF!!"

Duo had joined Trowa in the dirt, rolling around clutching his sides as the tears ran freely down his face. The two pilots unable to stop their laughing.

"Oh my," Quatre said softly and clasped his hand to his mouth. "Now I know why they called him Humpty." A snicker found its way through his fingers.

Heero watched the scene before him, his mouth began to twitch and he was unable to stop the chuckles from escaping.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooo..."

The entire farmyard froze. Even Humpty paused in mid hump. All heads began to turn slowly to the source of the sound.

Heero's jaw slid open. One word sprang to mind.

Actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

--

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you to everyone who is reading and especially to those who have left a review! Nice to know my quirky humor is giving you all a good laugh. Now, on with more insanity...**

"Down on the Farm"

April. 2003 ShenLong

Part 3

Recap...

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooo..."

The entire farmyard froze. Even Humpty paused in mid hump. All heads began to turn slowly to the source of the sound.

Heero's jaw slid open. One word sprang to mind.

Actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

"Heeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooo..."

Duo slapped his forehead in disgust. "How the fuck did she manage to find us this time?"

Heero visibly trembled.

"Ya sure she ain't planted a homing device or something on you, Heero?" Duo asked as he stood up and proceeded to 'pat' his partner down, paying special attention to Heero's ass. "I mean, she could have shoved something..."

"Duo! I think if Relena had put anything on me I would have known about it," Heero replied as he caught hold of his koi's wandering hands; not that he wasn't appreciating the wandering, but now wasn't the time or place for that, especially if they wouldn't be able to see the act all the way through. If there was something Heero hated more than Relena it was not being able to finish what he started... or what Duo started.

Quatre was hugging Trowa close, his face grimacing in pain. "What is it Quatre? Is it your space heart? Are all the emotions getting too much for you?" Trowa was visibly concerned for his petite lover, knowing just how painful Quatre's empathy could be to the blonde at times.

"No, no, it isn't my space heart... It's the thought of her," Quatre replied as he grimaced again.

Trowa held him close... sharing in his pain.

Wufei took advantage of Humpty's pause and managed to free his leg and scramble up from the dirt. Spying the tractor sitting to one side he made a leap for it and managed to scrabble up, effectively saving his legs from any further abuse. Well for the moment anyway.

Relena spotted her Heero and began to move across the farmyard towards him. It had taken her a while and some pretty strong bribery, threats, blackmail and the kidnapping of a few prosthetic parts from a certain doctor, but she had managed to track him down at last. As Relena advanced so Heero and Duo could only stare, rooted to the spot in horror as the pink pain in the ass advanced.

Quatre suddenly stiffened in Trowa's arms as he heard a sound that sent chills up his spine.

"Honk."

The goose waddled around the side of the barn and immediately spotted Relena. Its eyes lit up at the sight of the pink person and its brain registered one thing... Human... food...

Trowa suddenly found himself with an armful of Quatre as the blonde leapt up. "Oh shit! Not the goose."

Relena screamed as a flurry of feathers, feet, beak and beady eyes bore down on her. She started to run. "Help! Help!" she screamed.

Wufei watched, as did Humpty as the pink peril ran around the farm yard. He had no idea the girl could run that fast.

Relena circled the tractor and glared at Wufei. "Move over," she screamed as she made to leap up.

"No way onna! Find your own safe place," Wufei yelled back.

Humpty growled in agreeance. He didn't like the look or smell of those pink legs and there was no way he wanted them near the soft, white, gorgeous ones he had fallen in lust with. He bared his teeth.

Relena took one look at the shaggy canine and changed her mind. Her eyes darted wildly about and spotted Trowa... complete with Quatre who was doing his best to squirm inside Trowa's skin. She changed direction.

"Oh shit! Incoming!" Trowa squeaked.

Quatre opened his eyes for a second and then shut them abruptly. "Don't let her get me... please Trowa..."

Trowa turned and did the only thing he could do...

He ran like shit towards the hen house.

The hens could see their adored leader barreling towards them and began to squawk and cackle in alarm. They scattered momentarily as the door was flung open and their 'rooster' shot inside. They quickly got over their shock though and clucked amongst themselves, trying to figure out what had their man and his Gold Laced Wyandotte (1) so flustered.

The hens all stared at the featherless, pink skinned old boiler that was heading in their direction. With a quick ruffle of feathers they were agreed and took up formation... standing along the wire line of the hen run, backsides to the fence, heads tucked between their legs as they watched the boiler approach. When she was within range the large Rhode Island Red gave the 'cluck' and the hens fired.

Relena was pulled up short as she was suddenly confronted by a line of chicken rears. She screamed as the chickens took aim and fired, her hands flying to shield her face as wave after wave of eggs were launched in her direction.

Dripping with yolks, shell and albumen, Relena swerved away from the hen house, by-passed the growling dog and Wufei on the tractor, and sprinted across the yard, the goose still hot on her heels.

Try as she might, Relena couldn't shake the goose. In a last desperate attempt she ran straight at Heero. "Heero! Heero! Save me,..." she screamed and ran full tilt at the Japanese boy.

Heero just stared, unable to move as he watched the events unfolding before him. Then the infatuated girl turned in his direction and began to bore down on him.

With a last scream of "Save me!" Relena flung herself at Heero.

Duo had watched in silence as Relena began to scream for Heero to save her. He stood, stunned as the pink idiot raced towards Heero screaming for him to save her. He saw Heero's muscles begin to twitch in reflex. "Oh no you don't buddy!" he growled.

Duo waited until the last moment when Relena was about to launch herself from the ground and sprang into action. As the girl became airborne, aimed directly at his lover, Duo reached out, grabbed Heero by the arm, and yanked him out of the way.

"Mission Rejected!" he snarled.

Relena's eyes went wide as one minute Heero was in front of her, and the next, he was gone. She swallowed hard as her leap propelled her through the air and towards the duck pond. Seconds before she hit the water one word went through her mind.

Actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

Heero felt himself pulled to the side and his hair fluttered as the breeze of Relena's passing ruffled his bangs. He watched, wide eyed as the girl sailed past and landed with a loud splash in the duck pond.

The five pilots, one dog, several hens and the goose all stared in shock... then a grin began to form on Trowa's lips. Soon the five of them were laughing hysterically as a rather wet Relena stood up in the pond. Or rather, tried to.

Relena felt herself hit the water and shut her eyes. The cool moisture instantly soaked her clothes and she could feel the slimy mud of the bottom of the pond rise up to engulf her. Spluttering, she dragged herself up only to slip over again as her feet fought to find some sort of foothold in the six inch mud sludge that made up the base of the duck pond. She wiped some of the slime from her eyes and peered out.

Duo laughed even harder. "Hey look, Hee-chan, it's the Creature from the Black Duck Pond," he snickered.

Draped with the odd bit of rotting vegetation, mud, and dripping wet, Relena did look like something from a classic horror movie. A disgusted duck quacked its disapproval from the side.

As Relena reached the edge of the pond and began to haul herself out so Heero moved over towards her. Duo watched in amusement. Heero reached down and pulled her out. Relena was about to thank him when she promptly shut up.

Heero's hand snaked towards her dripping blouse.

Relena's eyes widened as she realized where his hand was heading, and then as it plunged inside her blouse she let go a small moan. Finally, her Heero had come around and woken up to his inner feelings that he loved her and not that braided idiot.

Heero's hand fished around under the wet silky material for a moment before re-appearing clutching something.

"Ohh, Heero..." Relena began, but was stopped short when Heero slapped a fish in her face.

"Here, Relena, you always said you wanted a koi... Now you have one." Heero's voice was calm, without a trace of humor in it.

Wufei fell off the tractor, Trowa dropped Quatre and then promptly joined him in the dirt. Duo had to shove his fist in his mouth to stop the insane laughter from bursting forth. Heero simply turned and began to walk away. The goose watched the proceedings with interest.

Humpty took one look at Wufei and pounced.

The hens all gathered around their 'rooster' and clucked protectively.

Relena stood in shock, her mouth imitating that of the fish she held. "B...B...But.." she began and then screamed and stamped her foot. Putting her hands on her hips she narrowed her eyes. "Heero Yuy, you come back here this instant and apologize."

The goose pounced.

"Arrrgggghhhhh!" Relena took off at a run, goose honking madly behind. "I'll get you for this, Heero... Ouch! Ow! Get away you horrible beast! Help, Pagan bring the limo; NOW!"

Duo was rolling around unable to stop his laughter, Trowa and Quatre were holding each other for support as the tears ran down their cheeks. Wufei was torn between removing the amorous Humpty and trying to stifle his own mirth.

"Ohh, Heero... Koi... fish... classic," Duo snorted. "I'm proud of you, baby."

"Hn. Maybe I should have offered her some milk and cookies."

Duo began to choke.

--

The pilots had managed to recover from Relena's visit and sat around the large table in the farm house kitchen sipping on sodas, all suddenly declaring an allergy to milk and its products.

"So what's next?" asked Wufei as he entered the room, toweling his hair from his shower.

"I wondered where you went, Wu-man," Duo said as he reached for an apple.

"After this mornings exploits I needed a shower," Wufei growled. "Where's the laundry?"

"Through that door I think," replied Quatre. "Don't tell me you have a pile of dirty washing already?"

Wufei dropped his pants from the morning to the floor, only they didn't crumple, they stood... by themselves.

"These are going to need soaking," he grimaced.

"I think they've already been soaked," Duo snickered.

"Looks like Wufei discovered a new form of starch," Trowa added in his calm tone.

"That's right, go ahead and rub it in. Is there no justice?" Wufei mumbled as he went through to the laundry.

"I'd say the dog already rubbed it in," Heero dead panned, but fortunately, Wufei was out of earshot.

Quatre sighed. "Did you get those vegetables for me Trowa?"

Trowa suitably blushed. "Ummm, no. I was on my way when I got side tracked."

Duo snickered. "Yeah, he came to help with the milking."

Quatre was completely oblivious to the innuendo and subsequent result of the milking and continued merrily on as if nothing had happened. "Well maybe we can get the vegetables now then."

"Sure."

"I will accompany you also," Wufei spoke as he re entered the kitchen, having dealt with his stiff pants.

"What are you two going to do?" Quatre asked Heero and Duo.

"There's some sacks of grain that need moving in the barn, and the trailer needs to be loaded with hay ready to take out to the sheep and cows so we thought we would make a start on that," Duo grinned.

"We did?" Heero's eyes widened.

"Ohh, c'mon, Heero, ya know you wanna work out and what better way than shifting some sacks?" Duo's eyes twinkled.

"Hn." Heero had a pretty good idea who would be shifting the sacks.

"'Sides, it's fun just the two of us in the sack," Duo leaned over and whispered.

Quatre stood and tossed his empty soda can into the trash. "Well, I'm going to get some vegetables."

Trowa and Wufei followed the blonde outside, Wufei keeping a wary eye out for a certain mongrel and Quatre watching for any signs of the goose.

"Ready, Heero?" Duo stood and waited for his lover to finish off his soda.

"Lead on, Duo," Heero sighed, as he followed his koi out to the barn.

--

"Don'cha just love the country life, Heero?" Duo said with his eyes closed chewing on a stalk of hay. He was laying on his back over several bales as Heero moved the sacks.

Heero grunted as he lifted another sack of wheat onto his shoulders and trekked across the floor. With another grunt he deposited it on top of the pile and straightened up. He rubbed his aching back and glanced back to his lover.

Duo's eyes were still closed, his braid dangling over the edge of the bales where a ginger kitten was having the time of its life playing with the end. Heero smiled as he watched the kitten.

The small cat chased the swinging end back and forth, patting it with his paws and sending it swinging again. From time to time it would pounce and catch the braid in its forepaws before flopping on its back and kicking at the tasseled end with his hind paws, its mouth chewing on the loose ends.

Heero moved back to the last remaining sack and heaved it up. He was tired and sweating, his shoulders and back ached from the effort, but it was a nice ache. Dumping the last sack onto the pile he turned back to Duo and went to sit next to him.

Duo cracked open an eye as Heero sat down. He watched as his lover stripped off the tank top and bunched it in his hands, using it to wipe the sweat from his brow. Duo licked his lips at the sight of his lover's bare torso and rolled over.

The kitten went skidding past as it missed the shifting braid.

Heero lay back feeling the hay prickling against his skin. His brain suddenly registered that the hay should be against his back... not his nipples. He looked up to see a grinning Duo running the end of the hay stalk around his sensitive nipples. He groaned.

"Want me to make you feel better, koi?"

Heero moaned as his nipples stiffened... along with his cock.

"Okay, baby. I'll take that as a yes." Duo lowered his lips and took one hardened nub into his mouth and sucked.

Heero's back arched and he whimpered as his skin tingled; aches forgotten as a wave of new sensation ran over him.

The kitten continued to play and wrestle with the tassel of chestnut hair.

Duo shifted his attentions to Heero's other nipple.

The kitten chased the braid as it snaked away.

As Duo continued to feed at Heero's chest so his hands traced their way southwards, over slickened skin of abdomen to pause at the waist band of spandex.

Heero groaned and pushed his hips upwards.

Duo chuckled lightly around his mouthful. "Want something koi?"

"Nnnnnn..."

Duo slipped his fingers underneath and grazed the pads over the tip of Heero's arousal.

Heero's hips bucked and his back arched pushing Duo upwards and tearing the braid from the kitten's claws.

The little animal watched as the braid lifted and then returned. Happily, it pounced again.

Duo's hand wormed its way inside the stretchy material and wrapped around the shaft. Slowly he began to pump the organ, eliciting soft gasps of pleasure from Heero's throat.

"Stop teasing, Duo," Heero moaned as he brought his hands to the button and zipper of Duo's pants. Quickly he undid them and dived inside.

It was Duo's turn to gasp as Heero's hand found his aching shaft and began to squeeze.

Heero wriggled his hips as he felt Duo begin to tug his spandex down. The clingy material caught on the head of his erection for a moment before Duo yanked it free and pulled the offending item down Heero's legs, over his feet and then tossed the shorts over his head.

They landed on top of the kitten.

Duo's fingers ghosted down Heero's shaft, across the silky sac and dipped into the crevice below.

Heero bucked into the touch.

The kitten clawed its way out from under the spandex shorts and looked around haughtily.

Duo circled his finger around Heero's entrance while Heero continued to stroke his shaft.

"Lube," Heero gasped out.

Duo raised his head and kissed his lover. "I think I saw some oil over there."

"Duo!"

"Shhh, koi, not engine oil... vegetable oil; it's used in some of the feed stuffs."

"Ahhhh..." Heero moaned as Duo pressed the tip of his finger inside.

"I'll go get it."

The kitten clawed desperately but the braid disappeared from its grasp. Vainly he looked around to see where it had gone.

Duo stood and walked over to the corner and peered at the shelf. Yup, there was a bottle of vegetable oil alright. He picked it up and headed back to where a naked Heero lay sprawled on the hay. Duo set the bottle down and quickly removed his own clothes. Placing the bottle within easy reach he climbed back on top of Heero, grinding their naked erections together as he hefted his braid over his shoulder.

The kitten was washing its face when all of a sudden it was knocked flat as a braid landed on top of it. The cat immediately hissed and sprang around, grabbing the end and biting it furiously.

Duo slid to the side and pushed Heero's legs wide. He opened the lid and drizzled the oil over his fingers. Setting the bottle down he returned his fingers to their earlier task, probing gently at Heero's entrance.

Heero moaned as he felt the slick digit enter him. He pushed his hips down, seeking to draw the questing finger deeper.

Duo continued to rain kisses over Heero's throat as he worked a second and then third finger inside, stretching and loosening Heero's body to accept him.

The kitten skidded as the tassel swung past again.

Heero was shoving his hips as hard as he could against Duo's teasing fingers. "Duo... stop teasing, take me now. I'm ready," he moaned. He snaked a hand between Duo's legs and tugged on his koi's cock, trying to pull the organ to where he wanted it.

Duo chuckled. "No patience, Heero... no patience." He brushed his lips against Heero's. "You want me, baby?"

"Ohh yesss..."

"Then you can have me." Duo reached for the bottle as he slipped his fingers from within Heero's hot channel. Quickly he coated his length before dropping the bottle to the ground.

The kitten lay still as the braid danced before him. He drew his hind legs underneath ready to pounce.

Duo raised himself and knelt between Heero's spread legs.

The kitten was about to jump when suddenly the braid disappeared. The cat jumped and spun around searching for where the teasing toy had gone.

Duo positioned himself at Heero's entrance and pushed forwards, sheathing himself in the tight heat of Heero's body. He paused for a moment to let Heero adjust and then began to thrust.

Heero's head thrashed from side to side as Duo found his prostate with deadly accuracy. He gouged large handfuls from the hay beneath as his pleasure rose to undreamed of heights.

The kitten jumped in shock as a handful of hay came raining down. Quickly the small animal skittered around the edge of the bales and stopped. He looked up.

Duo's eyes were closed as he repeatedly advanced and retreated into Heero's warmth; his cock stroked to perfection. He spread his own legs and dug his knees into the hay to give him better grip and allow deeper penetration. His cock was swallowed to the hilt in Heero's ass, his balls swinging and colliding with Heero's cheeks as he continued to pound away.

The kitten's eyes opened wide. The small golden orbs watched entranced as the sac swung back and forth. The kitten climbed up the hay bale for a better look.

Duo reached between their bodies and wrapped a hand around Heero's shaft. He began to pump the length in time with his thrusts. "Ohh, Heero... sooo good." he moaned.

Heero just panted beneath him, speech having long ago deserted him.

The kitten crouched and pulled its hind legs underneath. He watched, mesmerized as his target continued to swing back and forth.

"Ohhh god... Heero... I'm gonna..." Duo grunted as he felt the fire of his orgasm building.

"Oh shit, Duo! Harder, faster," Heero returned, feeling his own climax beginning to steal through his groin.

The kitten pulled its hind end up and wiggled his bottom ready to pounce.

"Agggghhhh... Heero!" Duo felt his seed explode from his cock to be swallowed by Heero's passage.

"Nnnnngggg ... Duo." Heero thrust upwards a couple more times as his own load shot forth.

The kitten took one last look... aimed and pounced, sinking his claws in.

Duo felt as if a thousand white hot needles had been forced into his scrotum. One word came to mind...

Actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

oOo

To be concluded.

(1) This is a breed of chicken.


	4. Chapter 4

**Many thanks to all of you who have left a review - you guys are the greatest! I hope you've all recovered enough for the next round of madness. :D**

"Down on the Farm"

April. 2003 ShenLong

Part 4

Recap...

The kitten took one last look... aimed and pounced, sinking his claws in.

Duo felt as if a thousand white hot needles had been forced into his scrotum. One word came to mind...

Actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

--

Duo screamed and withdrew rapidly from Heero's passage, fluid still shooting from the tiny slit and spraying over Heero's thighs and the hay bales.

The kitten went swinging through the air, a stunned look on its little face. Quickly it sheathed its claws and as it hit the floor, it scurried off and hid.

Heero shot up as Duo yelled and rapidly left his body. His blue eyes opened wide as he took in the sight of his koi, hands clutching desperately at his groin as he tried to bend himself in two to see what the hell had stuck him. "Fucking hell!" Duo growled.

"Duo, what the heck is going on? What happened? Are you all right?" Heero was a bit concerned when Duo failed to answer straight away.

"Shit! That fucking hurt! What the hell was that?"

"What was what?"

"Something grabbed me on the balls! Felt like needles... Sally isn't here is she?" Duo asked as his head swiveled around. "I wouldn't put it past that sadistic medic to pull something like this."

"Let me see, Duo." Heero inched forwards on the hay bales, mindful of the scratching against his tender rear.

Duo allowed himself to be brought to the bales and sat down. Heero pushed him back and gently spread his legs to check out the damage. He lifted up the soft skin of Duo's sac and gazed at the tiny scratches. A movement in the corner of the barn caught his eye and he quickly looked up.

A small ginger kitten shot out of the partly open door.

Heero returned his gaze to his lover's abused groin and put two and two together.

"It hurts, Heero!" Duo whined.

"I know, koi," Heero replied as he ran his fingers over the silky skin. "I think it was the kitten."

"What kitten?"

"Ummm... the one that just shot out of the door."

"When I get my hands on the damn thing it will be lucky to make it to cathood."

"Don't be like that, Duo, I'm sure the kitten didn't mean any harm."

"Harm?! Harm?! The bloody thing damn near castrated me, Heero! I mean, think about it... my whole future nearly went down the tube... If that kitten had succeeded then all the little Maxwells of the future wouldn't stand a chance of being born," Duo continued to whine.

"In case you had forgotten, Duo, you're gay..."

"Minor hiccup."

Heero lowered his head to Duo's groin. "Would you like me to kiss it better for you, Duo?"

"Ohh, yes please," Duo responded.

Heero sank between Duo's legs and proceeded to kiss the abused skin. Much to his amusement, Duo began to purr.

--

With there being no sign of the dog or goose, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei made their way across the yard to the vegetable patch. The blonde hummed to himself as he walked, goose aside he was enjoying this vacation.

Trowa glanced along the lines of vegetables. "Just which ones do you want, Quatre?"

Quatre paused and stared. The patch was quite full and there were many different varieties of vegetable there. "Ummm... I don't know. Maybe we should just wander through and pick what we think."

"Fine." Wufei moved to the left of the patch.

Trowa and Quatre began to move amongst the rows. Quatre paused and knelt down. He wrapped his fingers around the fuzzy greenery of a vegetable and pulled. The carrot came out of the ground with minimal fuss. "Ohh, Trowa look," Quatre beamed and held up the orange piece. "It's a root vegetable."

Trowa turned a light shade of red and felt his jeans shrink a little. Wufei's eyes widened and he shook his head in disgust.

Quatre continued to pull carrots from the ground until he deemed he had enough and moved over to where Wufei was searching through a vine. "What have you found, Wufei?"

Wufei continued to pull small pods from the plant. "Pea."

"Err... I already went to the bathroom, Wufei."

"Not that sort of pee, Quatre."

"Oh." Quatre blushed as Wufei waved a pod under his nose. He thought it best to leave Wufei to his peas and wandered over to where Trowa was busy with something. He peered over his lover's shoulder and moaned.

Trowa was busy detaching a rather nice looking zucchini.

Quatre licked his lips... he liked zucchini.

Trowa's hands began to move along the length of the green vegetable as he checked it for blemishes and soft spots; all he found was a firm length. Idly his fingers continued to stroke along the vegetable, completely oblivious to Quatre standing behind him.

Quatre watched intently as long elegant fingers explored the eight inches of hard, green vegetable. His eyes began to glaze over as he stared, his lover continued to stroke the length. Quatre couldn't help it any longer... he groaned... loudly as he felt his pants become extremely tight.

Trowa turned around and was greeted by the sight of his koi, eyes half lidded, carrots dangling from one hand while his other moved over his groin. With a wicked grin Trowa picked the vegetable, brought the end of the length to his lips and began to lick around it. "Mmmmm... I like the taste of this."

"Ohhhh... Trowa," Quatre sighed as he watched those lips wrap around the end of the zucchini... and suck.

"Yes, Quatre?" Trowa teased around his mouthful.

"Ohh shit! I need... I need..." Quatre's eyes slid shut as the carrots fell from his fingers and he reached to undo his pants.

Trowa watched intently as the blonde undid his pants and reached inside to fondle himself. He began to run his tongue along the firm flesh of the veggie, putting as much saliva and lust into the act as he could.

Quatre was certainly appreciating the display. He moved closer to Trowa and rubbed against his boyfriend's thigh. "Please, Trowa... don't tease," he begged.

"What do you want, Quatre? " Trowa asked suggestively.

"Ohh, that, you, anything..." Quatre panted.

"Mmmmm..." Trowa responded. He placed his hand over Quatre's wrist and pulled the blonde's hand from within his pants. Quickly he pushed the Arab's trousers and boxers down to his knees and bent the young man over. His fingers ghosted along the crevice as he placed the zucchini at Quatre's lips.

Eagerly Quatre pulled the vegetable into his mouth and sucked. It was about the same length and thickness as Trowa and if he shut his eyes he could almost believe he was sucking the real thing.

Trowa sucked on his own fingers for a moment and then returned them to Quatre's rear where he again began to torment that tight hole, pushing the tip of one finger inside and working it around gently.

Quatre pushed back eagerly, trying to draw Trowa's finger in deeper. Trowa obliged and soon had three fingers buried to the knuckle. Quatre began to pant, the zucchini coated thickly in his saliva and the pre cum dripping from his cock. "Nnnngggg... Trowa."

"Yes, Quatre?"

"Please... do it..."

"Do what?"

"What do you think!" Quatre moaned, frustrated with all the teasing.

"Hmm, do you want my cock or the zucchini?" Trowa purred.

"I don't care." Quatre wriggled his backside. "I need something long and thick and I need it now."

Trowa chuckled lightly and pulled his fingers from the silken passage. He quickly brought the wet zucchini to the now loosened entrance and began to push forward, eyes never leaving the delicious sight of the green vegetable being swallowed by Quatre's body. "It's good to see you eat all of your vegetables, Quatre," he said.

Quatre could only moan in response, the feeling of the hard skin of the zucchini slick against his inner walls. He began to press back, demanding more. "In the desert you soon learn not to waste anything," he panted as Trowa began to move the item in and out. "Ooohhh, Allah that's sooo good... Don't stop, Trowa."

Trowa had no intention of stopping. He continued to work the vegetable in and out while his other hand slipped underneath Quatre to stroke at his firm shaft.

Quatre's eyes closed as he was assaulted by many different sensations.

Wufei straightened his back and lifted the vegetable from its soft bed. "What about this one?" he called as he began to turn around... and promptly froze. The marrow he was holding suddenly felt a little heavy in his hands as his eyes burned with the vision he was witnessing. Just what the hell was Trowa using?

Trowa continued to thrust the zucchini in and out of Quatre's passage, the moans of delight going straight to his own cock which was decidedly envious of the vegetable.

Wufei shudderd as he realized just what was sliding in and out of Quatre's passage. He looked at the marrow in his hands and back at the zucchini. "I guess size doesn't always matter." Wufei dropped the marrow back to it's bed and began a hasty retreat. Passing by the parsnips he shook his head. "I am not even going to contemplate that," he said quietly, staring at the white innocent root. Wufei headed out to the pastures to check on the sheep.

--

Quatre shoved back hard against the stiff vegetable, taking Trowa completely by surprise. "Ohhh so good... sooo deep." Quatre moaned.

"Ohhh shit!" thought Trowa as the sudden shove caused him to lose his hold on the slim end and the vegetable disappeared inside Quatre's channel. "Ummmm... Quatre?"

"Ohhh more Trowa, deeper... I want it all inside."

"Errr... you have it all, Quatre."

"Nani?"

"Ummm... It seems the whole thing is in there. I know you enjoy your vegetables, Quatre, but I think this is taking it a little too literal."

"How the hell did that happen?" Quatre's eyes were still glazed and his passage spasmed, feeling the slender vegetable deep inside. "We need to get it out." Quatre wasn't sure whether to panic, moan, get himself off or head for a hospital.

"I know, I know," Trowa replied. "Bend over a little more and I'll see what I can do." Quatre leaned over and Trowa slipped his fingers inside, brushing against the end of the zucchini. It was slippery and Trowa frantically tried to get a hold on it.

Now Quatre was starting to get worried. Trowa had been trying for five minutes to remove the object and so far had only suceeded in pushing it against Quater's prostate and causing Quatre to buck in pleasure. Finally, Trowa managed to sink his fingernails into the very end and with Quatre pushing gently, the offending item was withdrawn and deposited on the dirt.

Trowa swept Quatre into his arms and began to kiss him fervently. Tears ran down Quatre's face. "I'm sorry my love. I'm so sorry," Trowa whispered, his voice full of concern and begging forgiveness from the crying blonde.

"Trowa, fuck me please... I'm so turned on that if I don't come soon I'm gonna explode," Quatre moaned.

Trowa's eyes opened wide. Here he was thinking his petite lover was upset, but in fact it was quite the opposite. Quickly he undid his zipper and yanked his cock out, turning Quatre at the same time. He spat into his hand and spread the saliva and leaking pre cum over his shaft before guiding the tip to the stretched and quivering entrance. With one forward snap of his hips he seated himself fully and began to thrust.

Quatre groaned and writhed beneath his lover. While the vegetable had felt good, nothing could compare to his koi's heated length... and it was attached, so no chance of losing it.

Trowa closed his eyes as he repeatedly pushed into his lover's tight body and didn't see the chickens.

The hens had been busy scratching around in their yard when funny sounds came on the air to their tiny chicken ears. One hen cocked her head and listened. It sounded like their fearless 'rooster'. Trying to analyze the sounds, but failing to work out what they meant, the hen decided to investigate. She trotted over to the hen house door which hadn't been closed properly from earlier. With a few excited clucks to her fellow feathered friends, the band of chickens made their escape... and headed for their favorite place.

The vegetable garden.

--

Trowa continued to pound into his love, his hand reached underneath and he took the silken steel of Quatre into his hand and began to pump. Together they began to ride the waves of their building orgasms.

The chickens advanced on the vegetable patch, the noises they could hear getting louder and louder. They clucked amongst themselves trying to work out what was going on. Slowly they drew closer.

Trowa could feel his release about to hit him and pumped Quatre's length faster, he was determined to bring his lover off as close to his own climax as possible.

The hens arrived at the vegetable patch, excited clucking passing between them. A loud cry brought them to silence and they all stopped... and stared. The hen that had fainted before now ruffled her feathers in rage. There was _her_ rooster engaged in something he shouldn't be and with that Gold Laced Wyandotte no less! With a cluck that sounded like a cross between a growl and a screech the hen fluffed her feathers and sprang. She would teach that golden old bird that it could not steal her rooster and get away with it.

Trowa felt Quatre's cock twitch in his hand as the blonde's orgasm found him, creamy seed pumping out and spraying onto the vegetables below. The tight heat around him clamped down and with a keening cry, Trowa gave one more thrust before tipping over the edge, his semen spurting inside his lover. Through the haze of euphoria Trowa heard an indignant cluck followed by a sound that sent chills up his spine. He opened his eyes and stared at the flurry of red feathers and angry clucks that was bearing down on them.

One word went through his mind...

... actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!!"

--

Wufei sauntered across the grass, he was feeling rather pleased with himself. He had managed to get away from the vegetable patch and out into the sheep paddock without a sign of Humpty. He took in the tranquil sight of the sheep grazing in the paddock and sighed. This was nice. Peace and quiet, no battles to worry about, just the clean country air and...

"Wuff!!"

"Kisama!" Wufei yelled and jumped into the air as the dog appeared out of nowhere, heading straight for him. He glanced about wildly and spotted a grove of trees to his right, just on the other side of the fence. Mind made up, and with one last look at the approaching missile, Wufei was off and sprinting.

Humpty had awoken from his earlier nap feeling much rested and ready for more action. He sniffed around the farm yard but couldn't locate the scent of that lustful leg. He prowled around searching, nose to the ground. He passed by the barn door and jumped as a ginger kitten came skidding out and ran across the yard to hide in the cow shed. He stuck his head around the door and turned it sideways as he tried to make sense of what he saw. The Alsatian appeared to be licking and sniffing the long haired retriever "Oh well, nothing new," he thought in his doggy mind, all dogs greeted and got to know each other by sniffing and licking in certain areas, it was the whimpering sounds those two were making that didn't make sense.

Humpty thought it best not to worry about it, instead he needed to find that luscious leg; and so with his nose to the ground he continued to follow the scent. He paused again. The scent was stronger here. He walked up to a long fat vegetable and sniffed. Ahhhhh. The leg had been here. His head turned around as a whine to the side of him grew louder. His tongue lolled out and he began to pant in time with the golden retriever who was being mounted by the wire haired terrier. Ohh he needed to find that leg - and soon. He turned his nose to the air and picked up the trail.

Trotting across the paddock he spotted the object of his desire up ahead. With a triumphant Wuff! he took off like a bullet.

Wufei's lungs burned with the effort as legs strained to push himself faster. The trees were much closer now... but Humpty was gaining rapidly. If he could just leap the fence...

Wufei eyed up the strands of wire and judged his distance. He prepared for the leap but unfortunately didn't see the tiny strand of white, electrical wire that ran across the top until it was too late. He leapt into the air as Humpty lunged for his leg. The force of the dog brushing lightly against him and the miscalculation caused his legs to flail, and although most of his body cleared the fence, one leg stayed on the other side.

The white strand of wire dragged up the inside of thigh until it reached the juncture of hip and leg and was prevented from going any further. Lodged firmly, the electric pulse passed through the wire... and Wufei's groin.

As Wufei felt the twelve volts hit his nether regions, one word passed through his mind...

... actually it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

--

Evening began to descend on the farm and the animals were all tucked in for the night. The hens had returned to their coop, the sheep and cows safe in their paddocks and a duck swam lazily on the pond. The light shone out from the kitchen window as the pilots all prepared for their evening meal.

Duo sat down gingerly at the table, his balls still a bit sore despite Heero's lavish first aid treatment. The smells from the stove tickled his taste buds and his mouth watered at the thought of dinner. "So, what's for dinner, Quat?"

Quatre turned around and continued to stir the pot. "Roast chicken and vegetables."

"Hn. Smells okay," responded Heero as he sat next to his braided partner.

Trowa entered the kitchen, his usual grace lacking a little. Duo raised an eyebrow. "You okay, Tro?"

"..."

Quatre went a little red.

"Translation please, Q-man."

"Umm... we had a little altercation with a rather possessive hen."

Duo giggled.

"I don't think she was too keen on seeing Trowa with me in an errrr... compromising position."

Trowa rubbed his groin protectively. Damn those beaks were sharp!

"Well you have my sympathies there, Tro." Duo gave the lanky teen a rueful grin and cupped his own groin.

"..."

"Kitten. Decided it wanted to play with balls."

"...!"

"Yeah, it hurt."

Wufei limped into the room dressed in a pair of Heero's spandex shorts. Four sets of eyebrows raised. Heero just nodded. "Chang."

"Ummm, Wufei? Why are you wearing Heero's shorts?" Quatre asked. "Not that you don't look good in them... hell you look great in them, nice package and, well... ummmm..." Quatre thought he had better shut up now.

Wufei glared. "Thanks to that carnal canine I do not have any long pants left to wear. They are all currently soaking."

Duo snickered. "Poor Wuffie, life's a real bitch at times."

Wufei chose to ignore the jibe. "Is dinner ready?"

"I'm just about to dish it up," Quatre beamed as he finished placing food stuffs in bowls. Trowa gave him a hand to bring the bowls to the table and set them down.

"Did you get all these vegetables from the garden, Quatre?" Heero asked, as he reached for the bowl of potatoes and placed a large portion on his plate.

"Yes. You would be amazed at the variety out there."

Duo passed the bowl of zucchini to Wufei. "I think I will pass, thank you, Maxwell."

Duo shrugged his shoulders and proceeded to place some on his own plate. "I thought you liked zucchini, Wuffy?"

"Not anymore."

The pilots proceeded to help themselves to the various bowls of vegetables, farm work after all was rather strenuous and burnt up a lot of energy. "So, where's the chook?" Duo piped up.

Quatre opened the oven and removed the bird. He carried the plate over to the table and placed the golden carcass in the center.

"Oh man, you've out done yourself, Q," Duo drooled. The bird was cooked to perfection... crispy golden skin, juices dripping, and the aroma...

Trowa's eyes slid shut as he savored the smell.

"Bags me a leg!" Duo yelled and winked at Wufei.

"Settle down, Duo, there is plenty for all," Quatre chastised gently as he picked up the carving fork and knife. He stood and poised the implements above the bird and then lowered them. The fork stopped as did the knife. Quatre tried again to push the fork in. The skin broke but the fork would go no further. With a grimace Quatre shoved all his strength into the push, but the fork prongs buckled.

Quatre held up the twisted fork; and stared in disbelief.

"Whadd'ya do to it, Q?" Duo asked as he studied the bent prongs. "Hit a bone or something?"

"Must have," Quatre frowned.

"Hn. Let me try." Heero took the knife and began to saw. Five minutes later he was still sawing when Duo re entered the kitchen, having slipped out earlier.

"Move over, Hee-chan!" Duo called and Heero quickly moved as Duo powered up the chain saw.

"Oh shit!" Wufei, Trowa and Quatre all retreated to the far side of the kitchen as Duo attacked the carcass with a maniacal grin.

The chainsaw made a funny grinding noise, choked, sputtered and then died. Duo scratched his head as he studied the bent, broken and twisted teeth of the chain. "That sure is one tough old bird," he said as he looked at the chicken still untouched on the plate.

Heero walked over to the table and prodded the chook. "Hn." He picked it up and tapped his knuckles against it. It echoed back. "Hn." Heero then dropped the carcass to the floor where it bounced back sharply. Everyone ducked as the bird ricochet from the floor to rebound off the wall, skim over Trowa, Quatre and Wufei's heads and fly out the window.

"I thought you plucked it?" Trowa said as he watched the bird disappear.

"I did," Quatre replied. "I didn't think it could fly without feathers."

"Yelp!!"

The five pilots all raced to the window and hung over the sill to see what had happened to their dinner.

The bird plummeted to the earth only to collide with the top of Humpty's head, knocking the dog unconscious. As the chicken landed on his skull so one word went through Humpty's mind...

Actually, it was two words...

"Oh fuck!"

The pilots watched in awe as the chook whacked against the dog and then sailed onwards to flatten the unsuspecting goose. With a honk of surprise and fright, the goose took off for the safety of the cow shed.

"Always knew the Tallgeese would be defeated one day," mused Trowa.

The five pilots pulled their heads back inside and stared at the table. "Looks like it will just have to be veggies then," Duo quipped.

"That's okay, I like my vegetables," Quatre grinned as he ran a hand down Trowa's thigh.

Wufei rolled his eyes. "I'm not hungry."

"Hn." Heero's head jerked up as he heard the familiar beep from his laptop.

The remaining pilots looked at one another as Heero went to check the machine. Moments later he was back. Duo raised an eyebrow in silent question.

"That was from J."

"Oh?"

"We are to stay here an extra week."

Thoughts of milking machines, uncooperative sheep, amorous dogs, rampant chickens, electric fences, playful kittens, horny vegetables, lust filled bulls and hungry geese began to flit through the various minds. They looked at each other, some with fear in their eyes, others with lust as one word came to each persons mind...

Actually it was two words...

"Oh Fuck!!"

Owari

Whilst this is the end of the fic itself, please stay tuned for the 'Outtakes/Bloopers'. Coming very soon - like in the next 24 hrs. (grins manically)


	5. Bloopers and Out Takes

**As promised, here's the out takes/bloopers. Thanks to everyone who has read the fic and to those that have left a review, your feedback is much appreciated. I hope you all got a good laugh from this piece of insanity. I had a great time writing it! Shen :D**

Disclaimer: I don't own the G boys I just borrow them from time to time and return them a whole lot happier. :)

Rating: NC 17

Warnings: Silliness, attempts at humor, PWP, random insanity... I think that just about covers it.

Pairings: 1x2x1, 3x4x3, Humpty x 5 and a few others to squicky to mention.

Author: ShenLong

Archive: gundam-wing-diaries.

Authors Notes: Blame this on the rest of the four Hentai Musketeers... I do.

Status: Errrrrrrrrr...

"Down on the Farm Out-Takes "

May. 2003 ShenLong

Scene: A farmyard set on a back lot of one of the many movie studios. Inside shot of a bedroom with two lumps under the cover of blankets.

Director: "Rooster scene take one... And... action"

"Cock a doodle doooooo!"

"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Duo from underneath a pile of blankets.

"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"

"Aggghhhhh!" Duo pulled the pillow over his head.

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

_Bang_

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

_Snicker_

Rooster scene take two.

"Cock a doodle doooooo!"

"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Duo from underneath a pile of blankets.

"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"

"Aggghhhhh!" Duo pulled the pillow over his head.

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

_Bang_

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

_snigger_ "I think you missed."

"Shut up baka!"

Rooster scene take three.

"Cock a doodle doooooo!"

"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Duo from underneath a pile of blankets.

"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"

"Aggghhhhh!" Duo pulled the pillow over his head.

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

"Omae o korosu!"

_Bang_

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

"Hn. Don't say a word."

Rooster scene take four.

"Cock a doodle doooooo!"

"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Duo from underneath a pile of blankets.

"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"

"Aggghhhhh!" Duo pulled the pillow over his head.

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

Heero whips out a machine gun. _Rat a tat tat... Rat a tat tat..._

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

The muted sounds of snickering can be heard along with a muttered... "Where the fuck did he pull that thing from?"

Rooster scene take five.

"Cock a doodle doooooo!"

"What the fuck is that infernal noise?" growled Duo from underneath a pile of blankets.

"Cock a doodle dooooooo!"

"Aggghhhhh!" Duo pulled the pillow over his head.

"Cock a doodle dooooo!"

_Bang_

"Cock a... Screech..." A stage hand reappears from the side.

_Squarkkkkk... Thud_

"Better?"

"Hai. Thanks Hee-chan."

Cow scene take one...

Duo looked at the cows milling around the paddock gate waiting to be milked. "I always wanted to live on a farm Hee-chan."

"Hn. Can't think why," came the stilted reply.

"Huh?" Duo turned his violet gaze to his lover.

"I don't mind the animals..."

Duo tried desperately to hold his laughter as Heero gingerly stepped around a cow pat. "Awww c'mon Heero, you got your boots on, a little cow shit ain't gonna kill you."

Heero turns and slips... Arms flail in the air for a moment before he lands in the cow pat. "Oh Shit!"

"Exactly!" Duo snickers and disappears off camera.

Cow scene take two...

Duo looked at the cows milling around the paddock gate waiting to be milked. "I always wanted to live on a farm Hee-chan."

"Hn. Can't think why," came the stilted reply.

"Huh?" Duo turned his violet gaze to his lover.

"I don't mind the animals..." Heero stopped suddenly and glared at his lover. "What the fuck is that?"

"What?" Duo replied innocently.

"That." Heero points ahead to where the cow pats are neatly arranged in the shape of a cross.

"Oh that, Heero. I think it's called Holy Shit!"

Dog scene take one...

Wufei wandered off in the direction of the kennels. If he was to check the sheep and move them to another paddock he would need the assistance of one of the sheep dogs. The range of mutts on display did nothing to boost his confidence.

He studied the mangy animals while the dogs all stared back... and pounced. Wufei disappears with a cry of "INJUSTICE!" as the dogs attack his legs.

Dog scene take two...

Wufei wandered off in the direction of the kennels. If he was to check the sheep and move them to another paddock he would need the assistance of one of the sheep dogs. The range of mutts on display did nothing to boost his confidence.

The dogs stared again in lust and went to pounce. Wufei drew his katana and swung it around. "Now to save on vet bills!"

Dog scene take three...

Wufei wandered off in the direction of the kennels. If he was to check the sheep and move them to another paddock he would need the assistance of one of the sheep dogs. The range of mutts on display did nothing to boost his confidence.

He cast his eye warily over the offered canines. They were a mixed bunch. He finally settled on the black and white long haired border collie. The fact that it was the only dog that didn't cringe or run away when he approached had nothing to do with his decision. He reached down and ruffled the dog's ears. He felt for the collar and looked at the name tag. "Humpty," he said out loud.

The dog looked at him with big puppy eyes.

"I wonder why they gave you that name?" Wufei motioned for the dog to follow him.

Humpty pounced... Wufei drew his blade.

Dog scene take four...

The walk through the paddocks was calming, the light breeze blew Wufei's hair about his face, the strands having escaped his customary pony tail. The dog trotted silently at his heels, nose almost touching Wufei's leg. Wufei found it a little unnerving.

He paused at the top of the hill and let his eyes wander over the paddock below. The tiny white forms dotted the landscape, an air of peace abounded... only to be broken by Wufei's sudden yelp of surprise.

...only to be broken by Wufei's sudden yelp of surprise.

...only to be broken by Wufei's sudden yelp of surprise.

Wufei glares at the dog with his hands on his hips.

Humpty sits and refuses to hump the leg.

Chicken scene take one...

Trowa approached the coop and frowned. It was unusual for hens to be quiet. He looked at the group of feathered bodies lined up against the wire and reached for the door. He went in making sure to latch the door firmly behind him.

The hens watched in lust.

Still frowning to himself he rattled the bucket and began to scatter the pellets around. "Here you go girls," he said quietly. "If you're hungry come and get it."

All the chickens fainted.

Chicken scene take two...

Trowa approached the coop and frowned. It was unusual for hens to be quiet. He looked at the group of feathered bodies lined up against the wire and reached for the door. He went in making sure to latch the door firmly behind him.

The hens watched in lust.

Still frowning to himself he rattled the bucket and began to scatter the pellets around. "Here you go girls," he said quietly. "If you're hungry come and get it."

Trowa screamed as the chickens all jumped him.

Milking Shed scene take one...

"The rubber mimics the movement of the hand and with the combined light suction it draws the milk from the udder and into the tube then along to the holding tank over there."

Duo followed Heero's gaze as the large storage tank was pointed out to him. "But how, Heero?"

Heero growled. "Here." Heero grabbed Duo's hand and shoved one of his fingers into the cylinder. "Feel."

Duo's eyes went wide as he felt the gentle pulling and rippling motion of the soft rubber against his finger. "Ahhhhh..."

"See?"

Both Heero and Duo looked at each other, quickly yanked their pants down and shoved their cocks inside the cylinders. "Ohhh yeah Heero... now I see..."

Milking shed scene take two...

"The rubber mimics the movement of the hand and with the combined light suction it draws the milk from the udder and into the tube then along to the holding tank over there."

Duo followed Heero's gaze as the large storage tank was pointed out to him. "But how Heero?"

Heero growled. "Here." Heero grabbed Duo's cock from within his pants and shoved it into the cylinder.

"Feel."

Milking shed scene take three...

All five pilots are 'plugged' into the milker.

"House cleaning! We need to empty the vat again!"

Lunch break

The five pilots are all sitting around a large table along with the rest of the film crew enjoying a well earned lunch break. The caterers place large plates of steaming rice and what appear to be 'Pork Balls' in front of everyone. They all tuck in with relish, after all, the morning's work has been strenuous to say the least. Duo spots the shaggy collie slinking across the set and his brow furrows.

"Hey, Wuffy; aint that the dog that's supposed to hump your leg?"

Wufei looked up with a smirk. "Yes, it is, Maxwell."

"Then how come it's walking funny?"

"He had a little entanglement with my blade."

"Oh. Then how come the rest of the dogs are whining a little higher pitched than normal? Did'ja castrate them all?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Fear not though, Maxwell. Nothing is wasted." Wufei looked Duo in the eye as he held a 'pork ball' in his chop sticks. "Nothing..."

Four Gundam pilots and the film crew deserted the table in 0.54 seconds.

Dinner scene take one...

"Settle down Duo, there is plenty for all," Quatre chastised gently as he picked up the carving fork and knife. He stood and poised the implements above the bird and then lowered them. The fork stopped as did the knife. Quatre tried again to push the fork in. The skin broke but the fork would go no further. With a grimace Quatre shoved all his strength into the push but the fork prongs buckled.

Quatre held up the twisted fork and stared in disbelief.

"Whadd'ya do to it, Q?" Duo asked as he studied the bent prongs. "Hit a bone or something?"

"Must have," Quatre frowned.

"Hn. Let me try." Heero took the knife and began to saw. Five minutes later he was still sawing when Duo re entered the kitchen, having slipped out earlier.

"Move over, Hee-chan!" Duo called and Heero quickly moved as Duo powered up the chain saw.

The chain saw roared... sputtered... and died.

"Errrr Cut?"

Dinner scene take two...

"Settle down Duo, there is plenty for all," Quatre chastised gently as he picked up the carving fork and knife. He stood and poised the implements above the bird and then lowered them. The fork stopped as did the knife. Quatre tried again to push the fork in. The skin broke but the fork would go no further. With a grimace Quatre shoved all his strength into the push but the fork prongs buckled.

Quatre held up the twisted fork and stared in disbelief.

"Whadd'ya do to it, Q?" Duo asked as he studied the bent prongs. "Hit a bone or something?"

"Must have," Quatre frowned.

"Hn. Let me try," Heero took the knife and began to saw. Five minutes later he was still sawing when Duo re entered the kitchen, having slipped out earlier.

"Move over, Hee-chan!" Duo called and Heero quickly moved as Duo powered up the chain saw.

The chain saw roared... sputtered and then blew up in a cloud of smoke.

_'cough cough'_ "Can we try that again?"

Dinner scene take three...

"Settle down Duo, there is plenty for all," Quatre chastised gently as he picked up the carving fork and knife. He stood and poised the implements above the bird and then lowered them. The fork stopped as did the knife. Quatre tried again to push the fork in. The skin broke but the fork would go no further. With a grimace Quatre shoved all his strength into the push but the fork prongs buckled.

Quatre held up the twisted fork and stared in disbelief.

"Whadd'ya do to it, Q?" Duo asked as he studied the bent prongs. "Hit a bone or something?"

"Must have," Quatre frowned.

"Hn. Let me try," Heero took the knife and began to saw. Five minutes later he was still sawing when Duo re entered the kitchen, having slipped out earlier.

"Move over, Hee-chan!" Duo called and Heero quickly moved as Duo pranced in wielding the thermal Scythe. "Revenge is mine you rotten chicken!"

Relena and the Duck pond scene take one...

With a last scream of "Save me!" Relena flung herself at Heero.

Duo had watched in silence as Relena began to scream for Heero to save her. He stood, stunned as the pink idiot raced towards Heero screaming for him to save her. He saw Heero's muscles begin to twitch in reflex. "Oh no you don't buddy!" he growled.

Duo waited until the last moment when Relena was about to launch herself from the ground and sprang into action. As the girl became airborne, aimed directly at his lover, Duo reached out, grabbed Heero by the arm, and yanked him out of the way.

"Mission Rejected!" he snarled.

Duo was a fraction too late and Relena barreled into Heero, sending them both into the duck pond.

Relena and the Duck pond scene take two...

With a last scream of "Save me!" Relena flung herself at Heero.

Duo had watched in silence as Relena began to scream for Heero to save her. He stood, stunned as the pink idiot raced towards Heero screaming for him to save her. He saw Heero's muscles begin to twitch in reflex. "Oh no you don't buddy!" he growled.

Duo waited until the last moment when Relena was about to launch herself from the ground and sprang into action. As the girl became airborne, aimed directly at his lover, Duo reached out, grabbed Heero by the arm, and yanked him out of the way.

"Mission Rejected!" he snarled.

Duo was a fraction too late and Relena barreled into Heero, once again sending them both into the duck pond.

Heero dragged himself out as the rest of the group tried to hold their laughter. "Omae o korosu!" he yelled reaching into his spandex space and pulling out... a fish.

Duck pond scene take one...

Heero's hand snaked towards her dripping blouse.

Relena's eyes widened as she realized where his hand was heading; and then, as it plunged inside her blouse, she let go a small moan. Finally, her Heero had come around and woken up to his inner feelings, that he loved her and not that braided idiot.

Heero's hand fished around under the wet silky material for a moment... Unable to locate the prop he partook of a quick grope instead.

"Heero!" Relena stammered as she yanked his hand from within her blouse and flushed bright red. "I'm not that kind of girl!"

Duck pond scene take two...

Heero's hand snaked towards her dripping blouse.

Relena's eyes widened as she realized where his hand was heading; and then, as it plunged inside her blouse, she let go a small moan. Finally, her Heero had come around and woken up to his inner feelings, that he loved her and not that braided idiot.

Heero's hand fished around under the wet silky material for a moment... still unable to locate the prop he partook of another quick grope.

Duo smacked him upside of the head. "Heero, old buddy, what the hell do you think you are doing? You're gay for gods sake!"

"I never said I was gay, Duo."

"Huh?"

"In fact, I'm actually Bisexual..." Heero went for another quick grope only to have Relena swat him away.

"You might be Bi, mate, but I'll let you know now that I'm a lesbian!"

Dining room scene take one...

Heero walked over to the table and prodded the chook. "Hn." He picked it up and tapped his knuckles against it. It echoed back. "Hn." Heero then dropped the carcass to the floor where it bounced back sharply. Everyone ducked as the bird ricochet from the floor to rebound off the wall, skim over Trowa, Quatre and Wufei's heads and fly out the window.

"Argh! "

_Thud_

Relena lay unconscious on the ground.

Dining room scene take two...

Heero walked over to the table and prodded the chook. "Hn." He picked it up and tapped his knuckles against it. It echoed back. "Hn." Heero then dropped the carcass to the floor where it bounced back sharply. Everyone ducked as the bird ricochet from the floor to rebound off the wall, skim over Trowa, Quatre and Wufei's heads and fly out the window.

Humpty chased after the errant bird like a Frisbee.

Bull scene take one...

With a sigh Quatre exited and made his way over to the barn to retrieve a bucket and stool and go milk a cow. Bucket swinging in his hand, he trotted off towards the cow paddock. Spying a large shaggy black and white beast on the other side of the railings he climbed through and made his way over to it.

Quatre then realized it was in fact a bull and dug in his heels. "I'm not milking that!" he yelled and took off running in the opposite direction.

Bull scene take two...

With a sigh Quatre exited and made his way over to the barn to retrieve a bucket and stool and go milk a cow...

"I refuse!" screamed the blonde as the stage hands dragged him bodily across the paddock, his shoes leaving deep furrows in the earth as he tried desperately to stop his forward movement.

Bull scene take three...

Burying his head in the animal's side as he had seen done in movies, he reached underneath to locate the udder.

(Camera angle changes slightly so as not to get the chains currently securing Quatre to the spot, revealed in the shot.)

His brow crinkled a little as he fished under the belly searching for the teats. His hands finally located what he was looking for and he began to gently pull and squeeze as Trowa had mentioned before.

His eyes screwed shut and a soft moan escaped his lips... "Ohh my..."

Bull scene take four...

Quatre is madly milking the bull.

Trowa is wandering behind the camera crew... chickens following behind. Quatre spies his partner and looks up. "Hey Trowa?"

Trowa stops and looks up from under his bang.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news for you... I'm leaving you."

"You're leaving me? Who for? Duo?... Heero?...Wufei?..."

"No, the bull."

Kitten scene take one...

The kitten crouched and pulled its hind legs underneath. He watched, mesmerized as his target continued to swing back and forth.

"Ohhh god... Heero... I'm gonna..." Duo grunted as he felt the fire of his orgasm building.

"Oh shit, Duo, harder, faster," Heero returned, feeling his own climax beginning to steal through his groin.

The kitten pulled its hind end up and wiggled his bottom ready to pounce... and then took off through the open door as Humpty raced through the barn.

"CUT!"

"No fucking way! I'm too close..."

Kitten scene take two...

The kitten crouched and pulled it's hind legs underneath. He watched, mesmerized as his target continued to swing back and forth.

"Ohhh god... Heero... I'm gonna..." Duo grunted as he felt the fire of his orgasm building.

"Oh shit, Duo, harder, faster," Heero returned, feeling his own climax beginning to steal through his groin.

The kitten pulled its hind end up and wiggled his bottom ready to pounce.

"Agggghhhh... Heero!" Duo felt his seed explode from his cock to be swallowed by Heero's passage.

"Nnnnngggg ... Duo." Heero thrust upwards a couple more times as his own load shot forth.

The kitten took one last look... aimed and pounced, sinking his claws in.

Duo had anticipated the pounce and unable to stop himself, pulled out of Heero's passage and forwards. The kitten landed right on Heero's groin.

"OMAE O KOROSU!!"

Vegetable scene take one...

Trowa watched intently as the blonde undid his pants and reached inside to fondle himself. He began to run his tongue along the firm flesh of the veggie, putting as much saliva and lust into the act as he could.

Quatre was certainly appreciating the display. He moved closer to Trowa and rubbed against his boyfriend's thigh. "Please, Trowa... don't tease," he begged.

"What do you want, Quatre? " Trowa asked suggestively.

"Ohh that, you, anything..." Quatre panted.

"I've got a nice carrot here," Trowa snickered. "Or maybe you'd prefer this parsnip? Or perhaps this water melon?"

"Come near me with that fucking thing and I promise you a slow painful death."

Vegetable scene take two...

Quatre shoved back hard against the stiff vegetable, taking Trowa completely by surprise. "Ohhh so good... sooo deep," Quatre moaned.

"Ohhh shit!" thought Trowa as the sudden shove caused him to lose his hold on the slim end and the vegetable disappeared inside Quatre's channel. He looked across at the director, panic etched into his face.

"Keep rolling!"

Vegetable scene take three...

"Ohhh more, Trowa, deeper... I want it all inside."

"Errr... you have it all, Quatre."

"Nani?"

"Ummm... It seems the whole thing is in there. I know you enjoy your vegetables, Quatre, but I think this is taking it a little too literal."

"How the hell did that happen?" Quatre's eyes were still glazed and his passage spasmed, feeling the slender vegetable deep inside. "We need to get it out." Quatre wasn't sure whether to panic, moan, get himself off or head for a hospital.

"I know, I know," Trowa replied. "Bend over a little more and I'll see what I can do." Quatre leaned over and Trowa slipped his fingers inside, brushing against the end of the zucchini. It was slippery and Trowa frantically tried to get a hold on it.

"Medic!"

A medical officer trotted onto the set complete with a long pair of forceps.

Quatre fainted.

--

"Cut!! That's a wrap folks," the director called out.

The weary pilots and the rest of the film crew began to pack away their equipment. The set crew came in and began to remove the props, marking the items off on their sheets as they accounted for each piece.

"Hey boss, we're missing something."

"What?"

"We're short one milker."

The five pilots jumped into the jeep to head for town and catch up on some much needed sleep before the next lot of demanding filming called. Duo tossed his duffle bag into the back of the jeep and climbed in. A glint of metal flashed as the bag settled.

Owari


End file.
